Hmmm- how does one begin a blog post when they have inadvertently taken a 5 month hiatus? I could discuss the rest of my interesting pregnancy journey -including one complete placenta previa, one surgery for a broken ankle, two hospitalizations…one of which was two weeks long, the plan for a csection due to the previa only to start bleeding the day before and have an “unplanned” urgent csection….but instead I think the real topic is the birth of our little perfect baby girl. She was born at 36.2 weeks and while she was small she was healthy and perfect in every way. And now it’s s month later and she’s already 8 lbs 3oz and I’m already wondering how the heck time can go so fast. It used to be that I wished time would speed up because I lived my life waiting for the next step in our Ivf journey ..I wanted time to go quickly in this waiting game ….the time before our retrieval, before the transfer, before the beta was drawn, before our ultrasound and so on. Even once I got pregnant I still felt like it was a waiting game -waiting to hear the heartbeat, waiting to make sure the Nuchal was ok, waiting to make sure the anatomy scan was ok, waiting in the hospital for the last two weeks of pregnancy….Waiting always. Waiting for my baby. But now ….now as I hold my precious beautiful girl in my arms …now I’m not waiting for her anymore and the days seem to slip through my fingers. Funny how time always seems to do the opposite of what one wishes. Though there are certainly rough patches (ohhhh breastfeeding!, c section recovery, the one hour chunks of sleep at night and the intense sleep deprivation) it’s all so beyond with it. I look my daughter (still can’t get over the shock of that phrase) and remember in awe tthe day I watched her be transferred into me as a little blastocyst. It blows my mind. She is so amazing…we stare at her perfect features and marvel that she’s truly here and so gorgeous. We laugh at her incessant squeals and squeaks (we’ve been told she sounds like a velociraptor) which had affectionately earned her the nickname squeaks. We cherish the snuggles, the weight of her little body against ours, the sleep smiles, and watching her learn to lift her head. Now ….I just want time to slow down. So for everyone out there in the waiting game …..I’m so sorry you’re stuck on that side of it ….but I’m wishing you patience and strength and preserverance- because once you get to to the other side where your baby is, it will all be worth it.
So…somehow in the weeks since my last post I have entered the land of the second trimester-a place I dreamed of every day for those first 3 months, eagerly anticipating the time when I could breathe (slightly) easier. And the first few days of it started out so well…I went to yoga! walked on the treadmill! wore clothes to show of my growing bump! I felt like I could finally start to be myself again – only a better version with a beautiful baby growing inside. But now that I officially into the 2nd trimester at a solid 15 weeks…my initial warm welcome quickly turned sour. Last night on my way to get to work (I was supposed to work the midnight shift) I slipped and fell on some ice in our driveway as I headed out to the car and was in sudden excruciating pain in my ankle. After several X-rays later, obviously wearing like 3 abdominal shields, it was confirmed – I had a bad ankle fracture that requires surgery. Cue panic. How could I have surgery at 15 weeks pregnant!???
I have since calmed down as we learned that I can get the whole surgery with an epidural and nerve block – no general anasthesia. And my ob cleared me to take narcotics post-op as needed….but as of now I plan on continuing Tylenol only – maybe will be practice in dealing with pain before the actual labor. And I also, at my insistence in the ER last night, had a quick ultrasound to confirm everything was ok…and there she was – wiggling around like crazy, probably because her mama was screaming and cursing in pain (did I mention we got our genetic test results which thank goodness were normal and showed it’s a GIRL!) I am so unbelievably grateful she’s ok and will be ok through the surgery, but as I will be casted and totally non weight bearing on crutches for 6 weeks …and likely out of work for a chunk of that time….I have a feeling the 2nd trimester I imagined (and saw a brief glimpse of) will be a different reality. But…all that matters is that my baby will be ok and I will have one heckuva story to tell her one day about her adventures in my belly. Our expectations of what happens through all of infertility -and even after – are sometimes incredibly different from what ends up happening, but that’s part of what makes us stronger and adaptable and will one day help make us amazing moms. Sending so much love and strength to everyone out there that may be experiencing something different from what you expected on this journey…..but in the end it will all be worth it ❤
It’s very surreal to be in this place of 11 weeks. I don’t know how.. but it feels like both every day drags on to eternity and that I got that shocking phone call of a positive beta just yesterday. While I am “technically” almost out of the woods and nearing the point where many would jubilantly post a cute announcement on social media… I don’t know if my mind will really ever let me feel out of the woods. Don’t get me wrong -I have now certainly have allowed myself to envision the wonderful future on the horizon and we have told our immediate family and a few other special friends..heck I even ordered some maternity clothes already! (really out of necessity – I definitely have a belly pooch and it’s growing quickly). But, despite all this, my mind just continues to hold on to all the fear and worry and doubt that infertility ingrained in me. As I mentioned in an earlier post – living post infertility feels like you are waiting for the other shoe to drop. I so wish to have the naievety that many women seem to with their first pregnancy…always picturing the best and expecting everything to go well. While I will always carry my infertility scars with me and I will never be naieve to all the potential complications in pregnancy, I am going to continue to enjoy the excitement of just being pregnant …one day at a time. I will relish in telling our friends and extended family the exciting news soon, I will wear clothes to show off my new bump and I will continue to love this little baby with everything I’ve got. Infertility will always be a part of me, but right now it is part of my past only…my future holds much more joyous things. Keep on growing little one…
Sending love to everyone out there…
It is still surreal and crazy that I am in this place…I wonder if it will ever feel real? Maybe when I transition to the real OB…maybe when I get out of the first trimester….or maybe honestly it won’t be until I have my baby in my arms. While I certainly can’t help but be nervous every day, I am finally allowing myself to be happy. Both my husband and I both agree- it is incredibly strange to just be baseline happy…and to actually imagine a happy future. I’ve been feeling good throughout this whole time which has also freaked me out that something wasn’t right – but having now heard the heartbeat twice I feel so much better. Maybe I shouldn’t say this (watch -after I publish this post all my symptoms will manifest!) but I’ve had no nausea or GI upset at all. I’ve been insanely thirsty 24/7 and also having to pee every other second and waking up a few times a night to do so. I’m tired but I’m always tired so who knows. I’ve had some low backaches….annndd that’s about it. No other symptoms. Nada. Still eating well, admittedly have been wanting more salty foods than usual. Think maybe I’ve gained a pound… but it depends on the time of day..hah. Our wonderful RE said he will see us for 2 whole more weeks before we leave…he commented today that “this one was going to be a tough one to end”…referring to our relationship 🙂 Yep, I’m in denial that in the near future we will no longer be getting weekly ultrasounds. But for now…I will just continue to stare in awe at the tiny tadpole like blob on our ultrasound picture. Sending love and peace to everyone out there….
Today…I saw the first picture of our baby….a grainy, sort of hard to see image of a teensy gestational sac but nonetheless- there it was. My husband and I have been using the nickname M.B. (derived from initially embryo then emby then just to the initials) and I find myself talking to MB pretty frequently. I mean, not in public or anything – that might be a little tooo weird – but you know, basically everywhere else…the car, the shower, in bed. I remind MB how very loved he/she is already and to please please please stick around and keep growing. Because try as I might, I can’t shake the feeling that we are waiting for the other shoe to drop. I guess that’s what living on IF island for so long does to a person..not only prepares us to expect the worst but to assume that if it’s not bad news today, we will get it at some point. But you know what? I’m sick of living like this..I’m allowed to be hopeful! After all…I’ve kicked infertility’s ass so far and I have no plans of letting up 🙂
So just a reminder to to everyone out there also fighting with infertility- no matter what phase of the journey you are in, even though it’s so easy to learn to expect the worse, remember it’s ok to be hopeful… Xo
SO…UM, Its positive?!?!!!
I am in total and utter disbelief and shock. When my doctor called this afternoon he said, “So, I’m sure you probably know your results already..” to which I blurted out immediately “Oh, its negative isn’t it? I know it is” before he cut off my rambling with a “Nooooo, actually it’s positive” Cue crickets. For about 1 second of course….then screaming into his ear “Oh my God, are you serious?? I was so sure it was negative. it’s positive? seriously?” Cue hysteria. I’m sure RE docs are glad they typically do this over the phone…for either response. Also does this mean that everyone must POAS beforehand?
I know it’s incredibly early and I am still feeling in limbo until I know things are doubling as they should…but I’m sure even after that happens I will find more things to be in limbo about (first ultrasound, end of first trimester, etc etc) However, above all else, I now know that I am physically able to get pregnant… me, with my broken ass reproductive system! This was something I doubted for most of this journey. Tomorrow and in the days to follow..I’m sure all the fear, worry and anxiety about things progressing as they should will be in full force. But for today, I’m just pregnant 🙂
So – for better or for worse- tomorrow is the day. I’m working the overnight shift tonight so on my way home from work in the morning I’ll stop at the office to get my blood drawn (one good thing I have going for me- I have amazing veins at least) and then hopefully nap a little in a post-call stupor…although who am I kidding my crazy is going to be out in full force. I’ve come so far and haven’t been swayed over to the dark side of POASing yet so here’s hoping I can last until tomorrow. Of all the terrible things about infertility, I really thing the limbo and waiting game is up there with the worst experiences. At least when you’re in the phase of IVF where you’re getting to the goal its easier to stay hopeful because things are HAPPENING. Now, nothing is happening (added to the fact that I feel nothing) and it makes you feel like a crazy person when all you can do is dwell over the possible 2 outcomes. Trying to stay as hopeful as humanly possible….sending so much love to everyone else in the waiting game too!